Well, as you can see, this is my son Jesse Ryan Linebarger.
He was born on April 10, 2009. His birth weight was 4lbs 7oz, 17 1/4 inches long. His current weight is 7lbs 5oz, 19 3/4 inches long. I'd like to tell you how much this baby means to me.
I've suffered so much losses in the last 7 years. In 2002, I lost two most incredibly important people in my life, my mom and my firstborn son. My mom died in April, and my firstborn son died shortly after birth in December. Then in June of 2005, I miscarried at 10 weeks. Since then, I've been depressed for so long. I asked myself "Was I meant to be a mother or was I meant to have a life without children?" I've always loved children as long as I could remember. I loved babysitting, playing with children whoever was it. I wanted to have one child of my own to raise, to teach, to love and to cherish until the day I pass.
I met Ryan almost 3 years ago when I was living in Big Spring. We became friends quickly online through Yahoo. We met once. Then I lost contact with him for 3 years, until last June of '08, He found me again. We talked almost every day, talked about life, marriage, family, and God. He made me realize so much. How much I can do to change my life 360 degree around. To stop living the life I was living in Dallas. I moved back to west Texas, moved in with Ryan as a roommate. Then became a couple soon after. We wanted to get married, to have a good stable life. To our surprise, a few months later, found out that I was pregnant.
That day in ER when I found out that I was pregnant again, to be honest, I was terrified to lose that baby like I have with the last two. I was paranoid, overly paranoid. I dreaded to wake up every morning and not to be pregnant. Of course, all the doctors that saw me told me the same ole tune "It's dangerous to have a baby in your condition, You have to take care of yourself, You have to take medications to control your medical condition" I knew that by heart for 16 years. Of course I knew the risks. The more the baby grew, the less paranoid I was. But the past 7 months, I wondered to myself "How am I going to take care of the baby if he is to survive?" repeatedly.
Jesse means the world to me. He fought so hard in such an short time after he was born. The doctors told me at the hospital while I was there, that Jesse might be in NICU for as long as one month. Jesse showed them how strong he was. He was quickly off of the breathing machine within one week, then learned how to bottle feed and control his body temperature in less one week and came home with us on April 28th. I finally have the life that I've wanted for so many years. A family. I always believed that a family is a bond that has to be earned through God.... Jesse taught me more than I expected.
Life is hard, and it always will be for me and my family. I love my family including my brother, my sister in law and my two beautiful nephews. Now I have a son and a soon to be husband. I appreciate life even more than before.
Those last 7 years has finally faded into past because I finally let it go. I clinged on the past, trying to remember my old life was, remembering how much pain I had to experience. That life is over. This life is meant for me, Ryan and my son Jesse. I am a proud mom, finally.
